Allure Security Technology
Red Balloon Security
Computer Security, Intrusion Detection, Anomaly Detection, Machine
Observations From Real Life
worthy contributions are sought.
- Physicists live life continuously. Computer
Scientists live life discretely.
- I hate emotions!
- Perfection is perfectly impossible.
- What people say are words, what people do, and don't
do, is the truth.
- A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one
year and out the other.
- Al Gore invented Global Warming.
- Too many broths spoil the cook.
- My hair is prematurely gray.
- The part of a man that improves with age is his
- Not knowing you have a choice is worse than not
having a choice.
- Education is a cure for ignorance, not stupidity.
- Why didn't God get tenure? He only had one
- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we
know the batteries are getting weak?
- Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient
funds" when they know there aren't enough funds?
- Sleep is nothing but a Caffeine substitute.
- There are two kinds of pilots. There are old pilots.
There are bold pilots. But there are no old, bold pilots.
- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to
distinguish between a weed and a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out easily, it was a valuable plant.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive
- There are two kinds of pedestrians:--
The Quick and the Dead.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
- Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach that person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks on
- In the '60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box of them to start a campfire?
- The most powerful force in human nature is inertia.
- The first law of Thermodynamics in academia is the
conservation of inertia.
No answer is acceptable,
no answer is unacceptable.
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two
- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but
broke it off
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted - It taint
yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory that was never
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a
small medium at large.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken
computer in it?
- How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
- ~4 year old driving in a car with his dad: "Dad,
where are all the 'GO' signs?"
- (2003 ALCS) Whose curse is worse? Chicago or Boston?
- A favorite oxymoron: I just submitted my First Final
draft of my thesis.
- The core problem of life: Those who hurt you are the
ones you love.
- The core problem of computer security: Those who hurt
you are the ones you trust.
- Think BEFORE you click send.
- Wife to husband: "Do people ever really change?"; Husband to wife: "Yes, when they decompose."
- A 10-year old, 4th grader's report on soda:
"Soda in school? Awesome. Soda is liquid candy. It is well known soda
rots your teeth and gives you stomach eggs. But you can make a lot of
money on the sales."
- A visitor to Rome: Rome has 6 million residents, 2
million cars, and 1 million parking spaces.
- A resident of Rome: Rome has 3 million residents, 4
million cars, 2 million cellular phones, and 500,000 parking spaces.
- You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
- Never sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o
to a tree.
- Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held
- The more you complain, the
longer God lets you live.
- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the
- Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to
- You know it is time to reassess your relationship
with your computer when you laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
- And if that is not enough, you ought to know it is
time to reassess your relationship with your computer when you start using
smileys :-) in your snail mail.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without
- Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how
it remains so popular?
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get
along without it.
- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some
days you're the statue.
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
- Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
- Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a
- But...bills travel through the mail at twice the
speed of checks.
- Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
- The trouble with doing something right the first time
is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to
serve as warning to others.
- Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
- Paranoids are people too; they have their own
problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be
- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
- Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise
above your principles.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have
to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable....except
from vending machines.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it
- If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of
magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- If being disgruntled means being unhappy, does that
mean a gruntled person is happy?
- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- When someone asks you, "A penny for your
thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just
stale bread to begin with.
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific
mean to make terrible?
- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence
in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1
billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you
a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
- If people from Poland are called "Poles,"
why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
- Some people would give their right arm to be
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a
- I intend to live forever-so
far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- My mechanic couldn't repair my brakes, so he made my
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
- Don't sweat petty things....or
pet sweaty things.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a
couple of payments.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a
- Everybody repeat after me....."We
are all individuals."
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Death to all fanatics!
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, Click here to find out what some famous people think!
- Just in time for Y2K.
- Word smithing from the Washington Post.
- Some new concerns for the Baby Boomer Generation. Click here to find out!
- Some recent cute bumper stickers
seen around Washington, D.C. lately.
- Some true stories from the
desktops of the HELP DESK!
- (Paraphrased and a true story) Conversation by a
group of 11-year old boys sitting in a car on a long boring ride:
"Doo-doo, chips, dung, dump, fecal matter, feces, excrement, BM,
bowel movement, doodey, poo-poo" They came
up with 19 words...I can't remember them all...I was laughing too hard
after they asked: "So if there
are so many ways to say BM that are ok to say, then why can't you say 'The
ght © 2011 Salvatore J. Stolfo.